IMAGES / AUDIO
Twitter.
Formerly CAKEBEEF.
Then I was a caveman.
Then I built myself a metal bird.
I publish Rosario Dawson Loves Me and SMAYARTZAYALWTIGAIAIK, which you should read.
I write about music on the internet.
Currently located in Seattle, WA.
j.m.valmassoi@gmail.com
Theme by nostrich.
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I made you a mixtape. Well, I made you a downloadable playlist with an accompanying “cover” which is pretty much the mixtape of the ’00s so quit your bitching.
I wanted it to be like a mixtape you would get from someone who was emotionally or mentally retarded from drug abuse but still kind of into you for one reason or another. Like if a meth bum brought you a bundle of mismatched flowers and flattened his thinning, greasy hair with a comb that only had ten or twelve teeth because he thought he might have a shot with you, and maybe his hipster nephew ironically gave him an HP laptop last Summer as some sort of quasi statement about capitalism or something (they never know why they’re doing things, not really) and it still had a bunch of music on it, only his poor misfiring neurons can’t discern genres, or the difference between hugging and hurting, and he doesn’t know that sex isn’t necessarily a part of love, or that he’s wet himself in anticipation.
You know, because you’re so pretty.
WE COULD BE SO HAPPY TOGETHER.
The Blenders - Don’t Fuck Around With Love
AC/DC - Let Me Put My Love Into You
Nice Face - A Minor Altercation
Restiform Bodies - A Pimp-Like God
Jason Forrest - My 36 Favorite Punk Songs
Buzzcocks - Love You More
Dinosaur Jr. - Show Me the Way
Des Ark - No More Fighting Cats, OK?
Wanda Jackson - Hard Headed Woman
Lou Christie - Lightnin’ Strikes
The pAper chAse - Now You’re Gonna Get It
Stunt Rock - i’m gonna fade this track out just like you did our relationship.
Muddy Waters - I Just Want To Make Love To You
Modest Mouse - Alone Down There
The Mountain Goats - See America Right
Foetus - Bedrock
Reverend Beat-Man - I Belong To You
Crystal Antlers - Andrew
Tobacco - Gross Magik
Tim Fite - Give Me Candy
Beck - Nicotine & Gravy
The Butthole Surfers - Who Was In My Room Last Night?
Man Man - Ice Dogs
Handsome Furs - Officer of Hearts
El-P - How To Serve Man
Shellac - Prayer To God
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All of your posted audio in one place, playing continuously. I will now turn your tumblr into my radio. I like this a lot.
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This stuff smells like pure gasoline and tastes fantastic. The science behind that petrol stank (which was actually kind of amazing, once you wrapped your head around the fact that your wine smells like a lawn mower) can be found here. The riesling itself can be purchased from these fine people.
I’m not getting all wine guy on you, I promise. I will not even begin to describe how much I hate it when people try to describe the “complex flavor profile of this full-bodied varietal” or whatever. I could give a fuck about your perception of the tannins, or notes of peach pit and cardamom. It all tastes like grapes, son. This one just happens to taste like grapes and smell like a BP, which I thought was both fascinating and confusing in equal measure.
Drink it.
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As I often do on days like this (what we call “shitty” days back home), I spent my afternoon making mixtapes which vaguely reflect the weather or my current mood (also “shitty”).
A click on that there picture will get you the following:
- Yeasayer - The Children
- Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffitti - Round & Round
- Tarheel Slim & Little Ann - It’s Too Late
- Constantines - Lizaveta
- Wye Oak - I Hope You Die
- Chromatics - I Want Your Love
- Q & Not U - Soft Pyramids
- Alias - Well Water Black (f. Why?)
- Low - Breaker
- Sixtoo - Jackals & Vipers In Envy Of Man Part 6
- Portishead - Seven Months
- Ben Davis - Time A Bind (f. Des Ark)
- Songs: Ohia - Almost Was Good Enough
- 90 Day Men - We Blame Chicago
- Calla - Fear Of Fireflies
- Sufjan Stevens - The Upper Peninsula
- Why? - These Hands
- RJD2 - Right Place, Wrong Time
- Blindboy - I Dream
- Restiform Bodies - Pick It Up, Drop It (Genghis Tron remix)
- Gayngs - Crystal Rope
- Speck Mountain - Twinlines
You know, for days like this.
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And because I really didn’t want to leave the house, here’s part two.
A click on this picture will get you:
- National Skyline - Karolina
- Radiohead - Talk Show Host
- Cat Power - Cross Bones Style
- Alias - Touringbrenpopsong
- Liars - Sailing To Byzantium
- Ben Davis - What Drifting Will Do
- Magnolia Electric Co. - Night Shift Lullaby
- Scott Matthew - Every Traveled Road
- Crystal Antlers - Andrew
- The Blood Group - The Long & Short Of It
- Broadcast - Illumination
- Themselves & Why? - Canada
- Doomtree - Carpe Diem
- 13 & God - Perfect Speed
- Controller.Controller - History
- Phantogram - Bloody Palms
- Hood - All The Negatives Have Been Erased
- Clipd Beaks - Blood
- Washed Out - Get Up
- National Skyline - Karolina II
- Retribution Gospel Choir - Bless Us All
Enjoy now, or save for the next dead grey sky with prevailing winds afternoon you happen to be awake for.
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Who has $600 they want to spend on me before all 64 pairs of the 9.5s are sold out?
You? You?
… anyone? Please?
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I wouldn’t mind one of these, if you have $477 you were planning on spending on me. I know I asked you to buy those weird speakers and the new Pista and to get my broken tooth fixed, but we can just get this instead.
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Johnny Abacusface was always the most fashion forward of the Abacusface brothers.
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I fucking love these because they are so stupid. I want them, in all their half ugly/half sexy glory (and I need speakers).
Lend me $500 please.
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Shortly after I moved to Chicago, my favorite mini rockstar/DJ/comedienne/fashion plate/alcoholic/friend Jessica goes, “Hey, you want free tickets to go see Liars?” and I go, “Yeah. I do.” And then I do. I go with these two inveterate hipsters I lived with for the first month I was in town because it’s nice to give people who give you a couch for 30 days free tickets to see good bands. (and it is here I’d like to mention that Liars are a good band, as evidenced by their recorded output and phenomenal live shows, even though that second record was really off-putting and kind of hard to listen to at first because it was all tones and weird textures and nothing like their debut and a lot of people, myself included, went “Are you fucking with me? I think I hate this,” until we saw them perform it live and then it was more like, “Oh, I get it now.”)
So we go to The Metro and Liars are headlining and a Pitchfork buzz band called No Age are opening and we watch No Age and they’re okay and then their set ends and 57% of the venue clears out because Liars aren’t cool anymore but No Age is way cool and then Liars fucking OWN IT for an hour and a half, and everything looks and sounds way better than it has any right to and I’m just kind of standing there with my half a beer and my unhinged jaw watching 9 foot tall Angus Whatshisname dance like a terrifying scarecrow and the fact that the venue is now half empty fills me with rage and despair and then the show is over and I’m all like, “I must go home and listen to Liars immediately because that was mindblowing” and the short hipster I brought is all like, “No Age were pretty good, huh?” and I die inside.
Liars’ new record Sisterworld comes out in a couple weeks. It’s streaming right now. It is very good. If you click the picture you can hear it in its entirety. Then you can not see them live because they’re not playing Chicago this time around.
I wonder why.
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Look, I hate Pitchfork. Ask anyone. I have valid reasons. That doesn’t mean they never have anything good to say. I also have the occasional worthwhile utterance and I’m a total dick. Point being, this review of the ATP reissue of Spiritualized’s Ladies & Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space is pretty spot-on, and their magic hype machine number generator topped out at 10 for this one, which the album totally deserves.
Easily on the shortlist of records that will never fall out of rotation for me.
If you haven’t heard it, hear it.
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