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Formerly CAKEBEEF.
Then I was a caveman.
Then I built myself a metal bird.

I publish Rosario Dawson Loves Me and SMAYARTZAYALWTIGAIAIK, which you should read.

I write about music on the internet.

Currently located in Seattle, WA.

j.m.valmassoi@gmail.com

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2nd May 2010

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I made you a mixtape.  Well, I made you a downloadable playlist with an accompanying “cover” which is pretty much the mixtape of the ’00s so quit your bitching. I wanted it to be like a mixtape you would get from someone who was emotionally or mentally retarded from drug abuse but still kind of into you for one reason or another.  Like if a meth bum brought you a bundle of mismatched flowers and flattened his thinning, greasy hair with a comb that only had ten or twelve teeth because he thought he might have a shot with you, and maybe his hipster nephew ironically gave him an HP laptop last Summer as some sort of quasi statement about capitalism or something (they never know why they’re doing things, not really) and it still had a bunch of music on it, only his poor misfiring neurons can’t discern genres, or the difference between hugging and hurting, and he doesn’t know that sex isn’t necessarily a part of love, or that he’s wet himself in anticipation.   You know, because you’re so pretty. WE COULD BE SO HAPPY TOGETHER. The Blenders - Don’t Fuck Around With Love AC/DC - Let Me Put My Love Into You Nice Face - A Minor Altercation Restiform Bodies - A Pimp-Like God Jason Forrest - My 36 Favorite Punk Songs Buzzcocks - Love You More Dinosaur Jr. - Show Me the Way Des Ark - No More Fighting Cats, OK? Wanda Jackson - Hard Headed Woman Lou Christie - Lightnin’ Strikes The pAper chAse - Now You’re Gonna Get It Stunt Rock - i’m gonna fade this track out just like you did our relationship. Muddy Waters - I Just Want To Make Love To You Modest Mouse - Alone Down There The Mountain Goats - See America Right Foetus - Bedrock Reverend Beat-Man - I Belong To You Crystal Antlers - Andrew Tobacco - Gross Magik Tim Fite - Give Me Candy Beck - Nicotine & Gravy The Butthole Surfers - Who Was In My Room Last Night? Man Man - Ice Dogs Handsome Furs - Officer of Hearts El-P - How To Serve Man Shellac - Prayer To God

I made you a mixtape.  Well, I made you a downloadable playlist with an accompanying “cover” which is pretty much the mixtape of the ’00s so quit your bitching.

I wanted it to be like a mixtape you would get from someone who was emotionally or mentally retarded from drug abuse but still kind of into you for one reason or another.  Like if a meth bum brought you a bundle of mismatched flowers and flattened his thinning, greasy hair with a comb that only had ten or twelve teeth because he thought he might have a shot with you, and maybe his hipster nephew ironically gave him an HP laptop last Summer as some sort of quasi statement about capitalism or something (they never know why they’re doing things, not really) and it still had a bunch of music on it, only his poor misfiring neurons can’t discern genres, or the difference between hugging and hurting, and he doesn’t know that sex isn’t necessarily a part of love, or that he’s wet himself in anticipation.  

You know, because you’re so pretty.



WE COULD BE SO HAPPY TOGETHER.

The Blenders - Don’t Fuck Around With Love

AC/DC - Let Me Put My Love Into You

Nice Face - A Minor Altercation

Restiform Bodies - A Pimp-Like God

Jason Forrest - My 36 Favorite Punk Songs

Buzzcocks - Love You More

Dinosaur Jr. - Show Me the Way

Des Ark - No More Fighting Cats, OK?

Wanda Jackson - Hard Headed Woman

Lou Christie - Lightnin’ Strikes

The pAper chAse - Now You’re Gonna Get It

Stunt Rock - i’m gonna fade this track out just like you did our relationship.

Muddy Waters - I Just Want To Make Love To You

Modest Mouse - Alone Down There

The Mountain Goats - See America Right

Foetus - Bedrock

Reverend Beat-Man - I Belong To You

Crystal Antlers - Andrew

Tobacco - Gross Magik

Tim Fite - Give Me Candy

Beck - Nicotine & Gravy

The Butthole Surfers - Who Was In My Room Last Night?

Man Man - Ice Dogs

Handsome Furs - Officer of Hearts

El-P - How To Serve Man

Shellac - Prayer To God

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